I ain’t never been one for country, but I think that now I’ve got a little country in my bones. You see, I sat down one afternoon and watched an amazing little film called, Crazy Heart, about fictitious country legend and songwriter, Bad Blake, and now I can’t stop talkin’ like I’m country! Why hell, I might even be turning into a little bit o’ Bad Blake myself. Just the other day I caught my appetite desiring a warm plate of biscuits and a glass of McClure’s Whiskey. What the hell’s happening to me…?!
Here’s some ways of knowing that you might be suffering from the Bad Blake syndrome, listed in order of least potentially dangerous to greatest:
8). You’ve named your 1978 suburban “Bessie”.
7). You watch the girls on the spanish channel in the middle of the afternoon and you don’t speak spanish.
6). You drive with your belt unbuckled and your pants unzipped and you piss into an empty water jug.
5). You eat nothing but steak and taters, and you believe the only meal you need inorder to conquer the world is your world-famous biscuits.
4). You bring a four-year-old child with you into a bar to have a drink.
3). You fall asleep with, and wake up to, a bottle of McClure’s Whiskey each and every day.
2). Every word out of your mouth either bites like a rattle snake and kicks like a mule, or sweetens the heart like a delicate flower.
1). Your outlook on all things present and future is full of cynacism and defeatism, and your past is full of loss.
I’ve got to admit, falling ill to this syndrome is not a very healthy way of living, but these traits make for one hell-uva-damn-fine character (and some pretty good songs too). All that Bad Blake needs in order to turn himself around is a woman, one that’s passionate and wild at heart, yet devoted. Fortunately for ol’ Bad, he finds that woman.